Hey, Lovers! Let’s get to it.
- You just got out of a relationship.
Too often, we know the friend (it could be you actually, so don’t start pointing to one of your girlfriends) who ends a relationship with a guy and is in ready to hit up all of the “Sunday Fundays”, match.com
, club it out, or go back and recycle an old ex to quickly fill the spot of whoever just left. I think blowing off some steam after a breakup is awesome! After, I called off a former relationship, I partied a lot, traveled and went on a slew of meaningless dates. Eventually, I came to realize that I was not meeting quality men and I couldn’t figure out why. I now understand that the wet remains of pain from my old relationship and preexisting issues basically turned into a stench of mildew on me. Yes, strong comparison, but, I went there, chile. While, I thought I was ok, I wasn’t.
As my mom would say, I needed to get somewhere and sit down. I needed to be with myself and allow God to begin to reveal those layers to me and heal them. I had baggage that still needed to be unpacked, so to speak. When we don’t address our issues, we walk around with “mildew stench”. Just like you can smell it in an old house, men can smell it on you and slowly begin to realize that you may not be someone they need to take too seriously at the moment. So, take time to relax! Be alone for bit! Whether the breakup was big or small, you will be amazed at what you learn about yourself and that past relationship by just stopping for a season and allowing yourself to heal and breathe from what just happened.
2. You are still in “Stalk Mode”.
You STILL troll you ex’s page or the page of his new girlfriend, the former other woman, side piece, his momma, his baby momma’s page…I could go on and on…(from experience). Or maybe you are still driving past his job or home or making a point to pop up at places you know he frequents. In other words, you aren’t over you ex. And don’t say you’re just nosy. Something about creeping all over your ex, including his associates and family (just in case they post him or something about him) on social media is addictive! Where is the lie? Is his life ruined since you guys split? Is he fat now? Do I look better than his new boo? Oh! He has a new boo? (*scrolls to her page and begins to stalk her too). Is he out of town? If so, with who? Does he still work at the same place? Is my life way better than his right now? Hey, listen to me. STOP! Lock your screen, block him, unfollow, take a social media fast, maybe? For the love of God, stop spending the valuable time you should be using for healing, easing back into single life and focusing on your purpose and the beauty of being single on playing Law and Order on this man’s social media, sis.
When I was doing this, I convinced myself that I needed to know these things, so, when they made their way back to me, I wouldn’t be surprised. Huh? Looking back, I’m confused as to what sense that makes. Cutting myself off from the stalking eventually brought the focus back to me. That’s when I began to heal and had no desire to keep playing Angela Lansbury on Facebook and Instagram. It was truly keeping me from moving on.
3. You are emotionally unstable.
You are battling depression, low self-esteem or any other indication that requires intensive therapy or counseling. After I called off my wedding, I dated a series of crumbs (aka:not marriage material). I now know it’s because I wasn’t my best self and I was attracting people who were as unstable as I was at the time.
If you feel like, your depression will vanish once you get into a relationship, or you find yourself using verbiage like, “I need someone to complete me”; a relationship is the last thing you need right now. If you feel as if a man will save you from the loneliness and emptiness you feel or finally make you happy; you absolutely need to step back and look in the mirror. New relationships in your life do not make your issues go away, they only magnify them and more than likely cause them to grow and become more apparent to others. So, if you suffered from depression as a single woman, the initial chemistry of a new relationship may give you a bit of temporary relief and the excitement of the newness of romance. However, you will find yourself clinging to the person for dear life to keep this feeling going. What started as warm embrace will ultimately end up in you sucking the life out of them because you are depending on this man to keep you happy, whole and satisfied. The thing is, he should have met you happy, whole and satisfied in the first place.
I’m a huge advocate for Jesus, prayer and therapy. Those 3 things have revolutionized my life. Get the help you need to heal and evolve into your absolute best life. Do it now!
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Until next time, Lovers!